Seriously. What is the ever-loving issue in my brain?

I just posted this to a weight loss group I’m in with a handful of girlfriends. It puts it pretty well:

“I need someone to ride my ass on this shit. I don’t know why I can’t get it together and lose the last ten-ish pounds. Seriously! I’ve effing lost FIFTY+ POUNDS, and I can’t muster the willpower to whip out the last ten. It’s getting stupid. Also, I have a half marathon in 4 months that I need to train for.

Someone be mean to me or something.”

I mean really. You guys have watched me on this journey for nearly a year (I started Nutrisystem on July 19, 2012), and I have basically remained at the same weight since May 15.

Because now, it’s MENTAL.

I’ve been at this for a while now. It’s not like I don’t know HOW to lose weight. Count your points, go running, do the Shred, do SOMETHING. It almost makes it more frustrating because I can’t get out of my own head sometimes. I know that I want to get out of the 150s. I’ve wanted to be 145 since I started Nutrisystem. It’s just that I’ve apparently decided that I’d rather eat on plan 50% of the time and maintain this 153-155 pound zone I’ve been rocking for the past few months. But you know what? That shouldn’t be good enough. I shouldn’t settle! The only person I’m letting down is myself. I don’t even think that my body will look all that different at 145, but at this point it’s about finishing what I started, right?

Last Tuesday, I was working in the office (I telecommute 3 days a week) and I had a craving for a big, nasty, greasy cheeseburger. So I posted to the above mentioned weight loss group saying that I really wanted a Five Guys Burger. I had calculated the Points Plus for it before — I knew it was hefty — but I still wanted it. The girls talked me down, reminding me that I would feel like complete shit afterwards. But all I could think about was the greasy, cheesy burger! I even posted to the Freckleberry Facebook page saying how I really, really wanted that burger, but I was going to eat on plan anyway.

So I did. I ate on plan. I got a sandwich from Subway and got a cookie to kind of meet in the middle. But the next day, I gave in. I didn’t consult anyone, didn’t talk to any girl friends about it, and I ate 29 points plus worth of burgers and fries. I knew that it would probably set off a binge, and it pretty much has. I haven’t tracked a single bite of food since that meal three days ago! And that would be all well and good if I was in maintenance mode, but I’m not. I’m supposed to be in the get-your-head-in-the-game mode.

I feel like the last five of my weight loss posts have been the same song and dance. “I’m in a rut, and I can’t get out.” Each time, I vow that THIS TIME…this time it will be different. A friend of mine who has lost over 100 pounds hit the nail on the head once. She said how it’s so hard to face the rest of your life knowing that you will never be able to eat like you used to. You will never be carefree about food again. It was so easy to be fat. That sounds awful (because it is!), and I wouldn’t trade my health for anything, but to a person who clearly has food issues, it’s what you think about.

I don’t know if any of this even makes sense, y’all, and I’m sorry if it doesn’t. I’m kind of just dumping words out of my brain here. I just feel frustrated, defeated, and like I will never, ever be able to get it together. All I know is that while losing the first 50+ pounds was really, really hard, these last 10 are owning me right now.

Weight Loss Quotes


  1. Michelle P says

    You are such a success story already, Ashley. Those before and after photos don’t lie. I know you want to get that last 10 pounds to hit the road, and I sympathize with the frustration. Maybe it would help to take a break for a bit? Eat and exercise to maintain where you are (which is totally awesome and a terrific accomplishment) for as long as it takes to get your head back in the game. I know this is probably not the advice you are looking for but I wonder if it’s what you need to get back on track. I want you to be happy!!

  2. says

    Ashley, weight loss and food issues suck. I’ve struggled with it for years. I finally got really in shape right before I met my husband, then right after we got married I got pregnant. So for the last 6 years, I’ve been overweight. I know how to loose weight and even have lost some over time, but the long lasting motivation is something that evades me. You have lost 50 pounds -amazing, and even better, you have maintained that weight! Maintenance is half the battle. While I know those extra 10 lbs are haunting you, give yourself a break and admire what you have accomplished over the last year. You are a major inspiration to so many!

  3. Stephanie G says

    I just found you last week, by accident. And now I can’t stop reading your blog. I agree with Michelle, you are already a success story, but I understand the self gratification of accomplishing something (I’m 40 and finishing nursing school in 3 months) you WANT to do it, you WILL do it, sometimes, it’s all about timing. Keep up the good work…. you’ve motivated me to start (back) losing the weight I want to lose.

  4. Teresa H. says

    I know exactly what you mean. Thinking of you. This is a tough journey but it is so worth it. Put your game face on!!! You got this!!

  5. says

    I hate to hear the guilt in this post. There is nothing shameful about standing still. You haven’t let yourself down; everyone always says that the last 10 pounds are the hardest. The gift you have given yourself is amazing, and I’ve seen you transform both physically and mentally, and if it takes you another year to get to the finish line, so be it. You will still have a bazillion fans rooting for you.

  6. Mona says

    I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum I want to lose the first ten but I have a hard time committing to a program ( mental) I don’t want to give up stuff. However I know is I have to. So myadvice to you is what I tell myself “set small daily goals” make them what you need it to be.

  7. Haleigh J. says

    Omg you wrote what I’m feeling and struggling with too! I keep telling myself I can do this, remember why I started, I’m stronger then I know (mentally and physically).
    You Can & Will do what you have set out for! Just tackle one day at a time and remember how far you’ve come and How Close you are to making your dream come true!!!!

  8. says

    Reasses your goals! Why are the last 10important? Because of a mental #in your head that’s skinny? Healylthybis anout how you feel and how your body acts. If you hit healthy 10 lbs early, accept it. Continue your maintenance and live your life at. Healthy, happy 153-155. Don’t beat yourself up for a number you came up with a year ago. You are more than a number. As someone who reaches a lot of people with food issues, your perspective has a lot of influence. Timer to reevaluate your goals and either accept you made it or focus on the goal.

  9. Tracy says

    I’ve been following you for a while but this is my first comment. I am way back where you started. I need to lose 50+ pounds. I’ve lost the same ten pounds so many times it makes me an expert at losing. The problem is that around the ten pound point, I lose motivation and slip back into bad habits and the weight comes back. At this point I’m so frustrated with myself that I feel I’ll never reach my goals. You look great where you are. Enjoy it! I know it is easier said than done, but you have accomplished what I’ve only dreamed of.

  10. Erica says

    Ashley do the opposite of being hard on yourself. Love yourself. Be nice to yourself. I think the last 10 pounds will come off when you make a treaty to love yourself unconditionally. The pressure to lose the last 10 pounds is having the opposite results. No more pressuring yourself. As you relax this goal I think you will automatically start reaching it. By the way the last 10 pounds is hard for most people not because of will power or diet, but the body holds on to that weight for survival. Try to trick your body. Eat a different amount of calories each day, within the diet plan. Example 1200, 1600,1300, 1500, etc.. this might help start melting those pounds. Also relax & meditate, under stress the body holds onto fat. Actually do less exercise and more relaxing and see what happens. We are trained by the media, more is better regarding fitness. But less is better for the last 10 pounds. Once the body knows you are not in starvation from severe calorie restriction & over exercising, it will let go of the fat.

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