Seriously. What is the ever-loving issue in my brain?
I just posted this to a weight loss group I’m in with a handful of girlfriends. It puts it pretty well:
“I need someone to ride my ass on this shit. I don’t know why I can’t get it together and lose the last ten-ish pounds. Seriously! I’ve effing lost FIFTY+ POUNDS, and I can’t muster the willpower to whip out the last ten. It’s getting stupid. Also, I have a half marathon in 4 months that I need to train for.
Someone be mean to me or something.”
Because now, it’s MENTAL.
I’ve been at this for a while now. It’s not like I don’t know HOW to lose weight. Count your points, go running, do the Shred, do SOMETHING. It almost makes it more frustrating because I can’t get out of my own head sometimes. I know that I want to get out of the 150s. I’ve wanted to be 145 since I started Nutrisystem. It’s just that I’ve apparently decided that I’d rather eat on plan 50% of the time and maintain this 153-155 pound zone I’ve been rocking for the past few months. But you know what? That shouldn’t be good enough. I shouldn’t settle! The only person I’m letting down is myself. I don’t even think that my body will look all that different at 145, but at this point it’s about finishing what I started, right?
Last Tuesday, I was working in the office (I telecommute 3 days a week) and I had a craving for a big, nasty, greasy cheeseburger. So I posted to the above mentioned weight loss group saying that I really wanted a Five Guys Burger. I had calculated the Points Plus for it before — I knew it was hefty — but I still wanted it. The girls talked me down, reminding me that I would feel like complete shit afterwards. But all I could think about was the greasy, cheesy burger! I even posted to the Freckleberry Facebook page saying how I really, really wanted that burger, but I was going to eat on plan anyway.
So I did. I ate on plan. I got a sandwich from Subway and got a cookie to kind of meet in the middle. But the next day, I gave in. I didn’t consult anyone, didn’t talk to any girl friends about it, and I ate 29 points plus worth of burgers and fries. I knew that it would probably set off a binge, and it pretty much has. I haven’t tracked a single bite of food since that meal three days ago! And that would be all well and good if I was in maintenance mode, but I’m not. I’m supposed to be in the get-your-head-in-the-game mode.
I feel like the last five of my weight loss posts have been the same song and dance. “I’m in a rut, and I can’t get out.” Each time, I vow that THIS TIME…this time it will be different. A friend of mine who has lost over 100 pounds hit the nail on the head once. She said how it’s so hard to face the rest of your life knowing that you will never be able to eat like you used to. You will never be carefree about food again. It was so easy to be fat. That sounds awful (because it is!), and I wouldn’t trade my health for anything, but to a person who clearly has food issues, it’s what you think about.
I don’t know if any of this even makes sense, y’all, and I’m sorry if it doesn’t. I’m kind of just dumping words out of my brain here. I just feel frustrated, defeated, and like I will never, ever be able to get it together. All I know is that while losing the first 50+ pounds was really, really hard, these last 10 are owning me right now.