“When am I allowed to be happy in public?”
I asked this question in the very first post-suicide blog that I published.
The answer is today. Want to see a list of things that I’m doing now that make me happy? Lucky you. I have one prepared.
I swim with my kids.
I actually go out and do social things.
I take my kids to events that I wouldn’t have ever attempted before.
I started working out again.
I even signed up for my third half marathon.
and I dyed my hair an avant garde color (gray!) because I wanted to.
But you know another reason I’m happy? It’s because I’ve let my guard down enough to experience life again. “Life,” as I knew it while being married to an extremely depressed person, was spent keeping things under control. Making sure people were kept happy and even keeled. But now, I can actually focus on living MY life, instead of attempting to ensure that my husband’s mood stayed room temperature. And let’s be real. His life was never a perfect 70 degrees, no matter how hard I tried. I was trying to fix things that I couldn’t fix. I’ve figured that out, now.
All of this isn’t to say that I’m not still terribly sad for Andrew and how he died and the pain and agony that he had to have felt every single day of his life, because I am very much tormented by those things. I’m working on dealing with those feelings, and even coming to a place where I’m not even angry with him anymore. I’m really just sad for him, because in his mind, he had no choice. There was no option. I can’t be mad at him for making the decision that he felt was the only one he could make.
I’ve stopped being scared of this blog post. I’ve known that it was going to eventually be published. I’d eventually sit down at my computer and my fingers would fly across the keys and type the very words that you’re reading: I’m ready to move on.
So here I am.
I’m dating, and here’s why it’s awesome:
He’s great with my kids. My kids are his #1 fans. I’m seeing what a healthy relationship feels like (spoiler: it feels WONDERFUL and NORMAL). I’m experiencing what it means to have an equal partner.
But here’s why it’s the most awesome:
I’m happy. Finally.